I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
