I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
