Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
