My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
