is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
