i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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