Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
