he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
