yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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