the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
