mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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