burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
