There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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