I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
