Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
