Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
