so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
