Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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