She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
