apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
