i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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