where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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