Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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