I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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