apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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