grandma shit on top of the toilet
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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