Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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