your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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