I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
