Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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