when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
