forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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