So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
