I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
