i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
