This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
