can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
