I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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