She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm both gender and math confused
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
