Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
