my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
