I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
