What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
