I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
