dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
