They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
