i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
