im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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