is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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