theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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